Mickey's Porta Potty Adventure
by MissyForPrimeMinister
Summary: The Doctor is dismayed when he fixes the chameleon circuit and the TARDIS turns into a porta potty, then disappears. It's a race against time as he joins Jack, Rose and Mickey in a quest to locate their trusty ship in a sea of blue boxes. Will they persevere, before it's too late? Mickey is optimistic.


"There! Ha!" the Doctor shouted, yanking a wire out of the console and connecting it somewhere else.

Rose, Mickey and Jack had long since given up trying to help and were standing against the wall, watching the Doctor's frantic movements with a mix of amusement and confusion.

"So? Is it fixed?" Rose asked in a bored tone. She had given up trying to be excited - this was the Doctor's fourth attempt at repairing the chameleon circuit, and each time he would declare that he had fixed it, only to realize he had accidentally disconnected the heating system or turned off the gravity in the process.

"Yep, and it seems to be working _magnificently_ , if I do say so myself," the Doctor replied with a manic grin in Rose's direction. He tugged at a few more wires and flipped a switch on the console.

"Are you sure?" Rose asked, raising her eyebrows. "You didn't cut the electricity to the kitchen or something?"

The Doctor gave her a funny look. "No, why would I do that?"

Rose rolled her eyes and lightly smacked his arm. It was sometimes hard to tell if he was serious or deliberately playing stupid. She met his gaze with a fond smile.

"So what are we gonna disguise it as?" Mickey asked, interrupting the moment. Rose rolled her eyes again and turned to look at him.

The Doctor frowned. "We don't have to disguise it now. It's meant to be for emergencies."

"Well, what was the point of fixing it then?" Mickey exclaimed indignantly. "We've been standin' here for an hour!"

"Yeah, let's have a bit of fun," Jack chimed in, ever the corrupting influence. "Where's your sense of adventure, Doctor?"

The Doctor sighed, slightly offended. "What's wrong with the police box? The police box is fun."

"Well, you can change it back later," Mickey persisted. He paused to think for a moment. "Can it turn into a spaceship? You know, like a proper one?"

The Doctor's jaw dropped in disbelief. Now he was genuinely offended. "Take a man through time and space and he doesn't think I have a proper spaceship. Why do I bother?"

"Well, can it?"

"It's _already_ a spaceship, Mickey, and we're not giving it a bunch of ridiculous lights and flashing… things."

The Doctor suddenly smiled, his mood brightening. "We'll set it to random. It'll pick an element from the environment to blend in."

Jack grinned. "That's more like it."

"Rose, would you like to do the honours?" the Doctor offered.

Rose smirked smugly at Mickey behind his back and approached the console, twisting the dial that the Doctor pointed at. "That's it?"

"Yep," the Doctor confirmed, popping the 'p'. He grinned in anticipation. "Let's go take a look!"

The four of them shuffled through the door. Rose was the first one out.

"Um, Doctor?" she said, crossing her arms and assessing the result with distaste.

Mickey saw it next and burst out laughing. "My idea was better."

"No offense, Doc, but I think I have to agree," Jack added with a chuckle.

The Doctor came out last and saw what appeared to be a blue porta potty where the familiar police box used to be.

"Oh well, no harm done. We'll just give it another go. Come on!" He waved them back into the TARDIS and motioned to Jack, who gave the dial a good spin.

Everyone rushed out again to see the result, but it hadn't changed. The blue porta potty was still sitting firmly in its place.

The Doctor frowned. This was what they got for trying to change something that was perfectly fine in the first place. He sprinted back into his ship and began frantically tugging on wires and flipping switches, to no avail. He finally discovered a disconnected wire at the base of the console.

"Oh, I am _thick_!"

"What is it?" Rose asked, slightly concerned. She doubted she would understand the answer, but it was worth a try.

"I rewired the stabilisation system to put in an extra fluid link and now the rematerialisation circuit is disconnected. I can't put it back in without disabling the oxygen filters."

"Can you do that?" Jack asked.

The Doctor crinkled his forehead in thought. "Should be able to," he replied after a moment, "but it'll need, oh... about five hours to recalibrate before the air is breathable again."

"So we just have to leave for five hours?" Mickey asked. "That's not too bad. Plenty of things to do in London."

"Can't argue with that," Jack agreed, smirking mysteriously at some memory. Rose considered asking for the story, but figured she probably didn't want to know.

"Alright, everyone out," the Doctor said. "Shut the door behind you." He shoved his screwdriver between his teeth and started fiddling with some dials under the console.

Mickey, Jack and Rose exited the TARDIS and went to sit on a bench outside.

"At least it blends in," Mickey commented. The TARDIS had landed a few feet away from a travelling fair with a row of outdoor toilets, explaining the strange choice of disguise.

The Doctor joined them shortly. "So, where to?"

"There's a fantastic bar right down there," Jack suggested, pointing to the street ahead of them.

"Stop it. We're not going to a bar."

* * *

They returned to the fairgrounds almost five hours later. After Jack's insistence, they had stopped at the bar on the way back, and the Doctor had to admit that the banana daiquiris were indeed fantastic. Unfortunately, Mickey had had a bit too much to drink and was currently propped up between Rose and Jack, mumbling something about cantaloupes.

"I told you it was great," Jack said smugly.

The Doctor shrugged. "I've seen better. Now, the TARDIS should be ready for passengers. I'll just go in first and make sure the levels are safe."

They rounded the corner, but the Doctor didn't see the TARDIS where he thought he had parked it. Blimey, he must have had a bit too much to drink as well. His eyes rapidly scanned the area, but no, the TARDIS was definitely not where it had been parked earlier.

He located the closest person, who appeared to be a fair employee, and pulled her aside, flashing his best smile. "Excuse me, _hello_! Don't suppose you've seen a blue… portable toilet in this general area?"

She looked at him quizzically before replying. "Yeah, we moved it over there with the rest of 'em." She pointed to the long row of blue boxes beside the fair. "Dunno how it ended up here. Why d'you ask?"

"Oh… no reason. Thanks for your help!"

The Doctor looked at his companions and tilted his head toward the row of toilets. They broke into as fast a sprint as they could while dragging Mickey behind them.

"Alright, we have to check all of them. Shouldn't take long." He glanced at Mickey. "Will he be alright?"

"Yeah," Rose answered with a sigh. She looked around and found a bench to deposit Mickey on. "Stay there, and don't go causin' any trouble, yeah?" she told him firmly before following Jack and the Doctor.

"Of course, stupid Mickey has to stay on the bench while everyone else has their fun," Mickey grumbled to himself as Rose disappeared into the distance, abandoning him. "They pretend to like me, but I'm still the bloody tin dog." He slowly pulled himself up to a standing position, wincing at the pounding in his head. "I'll show them."

With that, he proceeded to stumble across the grass to help search for the TARDIS. He couldn't wait to see the look on their faces when he was the one to discover it.

Mickey scanned the area to make sure the others weren't looking. This was quite a chore with his impaired vision and balance, but he persevered. Once he had located the rest of the group, he began his search on the opposite row. He approached the third box from the end, a logical starting point, and tugged on the door. It appeared to be an ordinary toilet, but he stepped inside and tapped all the solid-looking objects just to be sure they weren't holograms.

"Well, there's one down." He stepped back outside, nearly losing his balance, and shut the door. "Why's it so foggy out here?" Mickey asked the porta potty, kicking it when he didn't receive an answer. "S'pose you think I'm an idiot, too."

He squinted through his blurry vision and moved on to the next box in the row, more determined than ever.

This one posed a new challenge: no matter how hard he tried, Mickey could not get the door open. The stupid box was spiting him. "Why is the whole universe against me?" Mickey lamented, banging on the door with his fist.

"Oi! There's someone in here, mate!"

Mickey looked up when he heard the voice, for there was no other place it could have come from. An angel was speaking to him from the heavens.

"You've answered my call!" he yelled in elation, throwing his hands up to touch the sky. "Tell the stupid universe I'm tired of being a tin dog!"

"Get out of here before I call the police!"

Mickey pouted and sat down on the grass. "Even the angels hate me."

After petting the grass for a few minutes, Mickey was considerably more relaxed, and decided that he was ready to carry on with his quest.

The next toilet was also occupied, and Mickey was having a difficult time convincing the boy inside to open the door.

"Just wait 'till I'm finished!"

"But the Doctor said we had to check all of them!"

Mickey felt like collapsing in defeat, but pulled himself together heroically. If only Rose could see how brave he was now. Finally, Mickey reached the last toilet in the row. It opened easily, and he stepped inside. This one had to be the TARDIS.

Unfortunately, Mickey did not see the familiar console in front of him. It was just a stupid toilet like all the rest of them. He grabbed the door and slammed it in disgust, kicking the wall for good measure.

"Maybe if I go out and come back in, it'll change back," Mickey reasoned, and he was proud of himself for handling the situation so calmly. The Doctor would have just waved his stupid screwdriver around and expected it to magically fix everything. Not Mickey. He was a man of logic.

He tried to push the door open to go back outside, but nothing happened. He tried kicking it. He even tried reciting a magic chant, but the door still wouldn't open. He started pounding on it with his fists.

After what must have been several hours of banging on the door, Mickey was forced to give in and ask for help. "Rose! Help me!"

She didn't come to help him. The betrayal stung, but Mickey had to keep trying. He thought he had glimpsed a cantaloupe at the bottom of the toilet, and if the porta potty was eating fruit, Mickey might be next.

"Jack! I'm stuck! Help me!"

It seemed that Jack had abandoned him, too. Finally, Mickey had to do the unthinkable.

"DOCTOR! HELP ME! I THINK THERE'S A CANTALOUPE IN HERE!"

It felt like an eternity before someone opened the door. He heard something that sounded like laughter, but it couldn't be. People wouldn't be laughing at him after witnessing his extraordinary bravery.

"Good news, Mickey!" the Doctor said, much too loudly. "We found the TARDIS and reversed the circuit. It's broken again, of course, but I don't think I want to use it anyway, after this."

Mickey leaned over and threw up in the toilet.


End file.
